The very secret diary of Edmund Pevensie
by Tau'ri42
Summary: What it says on the tin. Based on the LOTR very secret diaries. Winner of the NFFR award for funniest moment of 2008. Thanks to everyone who voted :D
1. Chapter 1

AN: This is a parody, if you don't know what that is I suggest you find a dictionary and look it up before flaming me.

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The very secret diary of Edmund Pevensie

Day one:

Moved to country with mad old professor. House is v. big. Might go exploring tomorrow. Bet it will rain.

Day two:

Found football field in bathroom. Decided not to tell others as they are rubbish at football and probably would not believe me anyway.

Day three:

Decided football is boring by self so told Lucy about football field. Lucy just laughed at me and said she didn't like football. Stupid girls.

Day four:

Played hide and seek. Lucy came back insisting she had found a country in upstairs cupboard. Tried to tell others about football field but Peter said I was being insensitive. Stupid Peter.

Day six:

Decided to go and look in cupboard. Found country she was talking about. V. nice woman promised to make me king. Think she might have been coming on to me. Was slightly creeped out but Turkish delight was nice. Lucy found out and told the others but I said we were just playing. That'll teach her for not believing me about football field. Peter still mad at me.

Day 10:

Back in Narnia with others. Pete & Sue say they are sorry about not believing Lucy. Note to self: show them football field when we get back. Tumnus captured by wolves, Lucy heartbroken and trying to blame nice queen. Found beavers in wood now staying with them. Plan to escape soon and visit queen. Not king yet.

Day 12:

That didn't go as well as planned. Am now prisoner of evil queen and her wolves. Told queen where Pete and the girls are before I realised she was evil. Probably not going to be king now.

Day 13:

Heading for stone table with evil queen. Am v. cold. Should not have left coat at beavers' house. Still not king.

Day 14:

Dwarf tried to kill me. He said it was on evil queen's orders but I think he is just jealous. Rescued by Aslan's army at last minute but still not king.

Day 15:

Had long talk with Aslan about stuff. Can't remember exactly what as was distracted by shiny new sword. In defence sword was v. shiny. Still not king.

Day 16:

Big battle with evil queen; used shiny new sword to destroy her wand. Aslan and the girls did the old turn up at the last minute when all is lost tm and save everyone trick. Was mortally wounded but Lucy gave me nice cordial so all is well. Still not king but was knighted by Aslan so better than nothing.

Day 19:

King, Yay!

Day I've-lost-count:

Back in England, not king anymore. Bummer. I wonder if that football field needs a king?

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Complete for now. I may write more if people really want me to.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: The first part of this got such a good response that I decided to write some more. It's amazing how productive we become when trying to procrastinate on the things that _really_ need doing.

Also, spot the plagarised line. I just couldn't resist :P

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Day Lets-start-at-one-again:

Nothing much has happened since my last entry. Football-field world turned out to be uninhabited so declaring myself King was easy. However it soon go boring having no subjects to rule over so it was a v. short reign. Got an electric torch for my birthday, raiding the school kitchens will be much easier now.

Day two:

Should be in history class right now but things didn't go quite according to plan. Am back in Narnia instead. Does that mean I'm king again?

Day three:

Turns out we have been gone for quite a while. Cair Paravel now in ruins and on an Island. Amazingly all our stuff was right where we left it, sword not quite as shiny as it once was though.

Day four:

Saved dwarf from bad guys. He says bad guys now rule Narnia. More importantly bad guys have brought new fashion with them from Telmar. Armour looking very outdated all of a sudden. Must rectify the situation asap, would not do to look out of touch in front of (ex) subjects.

Day five:

Have been walking all day trying to find somewhere called Aslan's How. Dwarf says Narnians have an army there ready to overthrow Miraz but they need us to lead them. Apparently even after 1300 years Narnians still incapable of doing anything without help.

Day 6:

V. Hungry. Have had nothing but apples and roast bear to eat since we arrived here. Trumpkin beginning to look about roasting size; have been told dwarf tastes like chicken. Unfortunately we need him to get to Aslan's how, it's not like Peter has any idea where we're going. Also would be a bit of a waste after saving his life.

Day 7:

Finally arrived and met up with Narnians, real food at last! Asked Peter about getting new armour but he likes the old stuff, says we look _retro_. Am not convinced.

In other news, met a boy calling himself Prince Caspian who claims to be the heir to the Narnian throne. Not convinced about that either, he's a Telmarine for goodness sake! For some reason the others don't seem remotely bothered by that. Am I the only one who brought an ounce of common sense with them?

Day 8:

It would appear so. Susan has done nothing but ogle Caspian since we arrived and Peter's no better, must he bicker with Caspian about everything? Suggested to Peter that we stage a raid on Miraz's castle. Anything to get out of here, the tension is killing me.

Day 9:

Maybe not such a good idea as it caused Peter and Caspian to have yet another argument. Have half a mind to lock them in a room together to sort it out and take control myself. Lucy talked me out of it though, she was afraid they would actually kill each other. Must admit that is looking more and more likely.

Day 10:

Peter won so Caspian now sulking. Raid planned for tonight. Am v. excited.

Day 11:

That went well, _not_. On the bright side Peter and Caspian no longer talking. Might be able to get some peace and quiet round here now.

Day 12:

Evil queen came back for a brief visit. Caspian almost tempted to bring her back for good. Luckily I stopped him just in time; we ain't going _there_ again. Aslan had better get here soon. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

Day 13:

Miraz's army finally found us. Peter and Caspian resumed communication long enough to argue over who would challenge Miraz to single combat. Peter won again. He really is quite protective of Caspian, when it's someone else who is threatening him.

Day 14:

Peter defeated Miraz but his army attacked us anyway. That's the trouble with bad guys; they never keep their word. Were vastly outnumbered in the battle but yet again Aslan turned up at the last minute and saved everyone. Would it kill that lion to be on time just once?

Day 17:

Caspian king too now. Big party, everyone v. happy. Peter and Caspian even managed to be nice to each other for five minutes, until the food fight broke out. Am still not quite sure who started it but it was fantastic fun. Even Reepicheep, despite the constant complaints of toffee in his whiskers I have had to suffer ever since, admitted that much. What's he complaining to me for anyway? He can't _prove_ anything.

Day 20:

Looks like time's up again. Susan got a goodbye kiss from Caspian. If I didn't know better I'd say Peter looked jealous. Suddenly everything makes a lot more sense.

Day 21:

Drat! I left my new torch in Narnia.

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You all know the drill by now.


End file.
